A year ago today

One year ago today my sweet, soon-to-be-five-year-old son, Keegan, had his brain surgery. The journey began several months before that, but today is the day that brought home the reality. It's the anniversary of the most stressful day of my life. And it marked the beginning of the most tumultuous year I have ever experienced.

Seeing him coming out of the recovery room that day, on the way to the PICU, was the single most traumatic event I have endured as a mother. I can't put into words the depth of my emotion that day. Looking at my sweet boy laying there in such obvious pain, I told him how proud of him I was. I told him that I loved him. And with all the strength he could muster, he replied, "I love you to infinity and beyond. I win." Of course, that's when I lost my composure.

The last year has held many obstacles. I spent so many days and nights heart sick and physically feeling ill to the depth of my being. I wouldn't ever wish that kind of anguish on another mother. And to think, it's no where near what my Father endured.

This year we can chalk up four surgeries, two serious health conditions, countless hours of doctors appointments, ER visits, clinic visits, physical and occupation therapy, thousands of miles to and from all those appointments, and innumerable breaths being held when he mentioned an ache or a pain.

But this year I can also say that we survived four surgeries. This year I watched my sweet, sweet son grow stronger and face every obstacle with more bravery than I ever imagined. I can say that we are both stronger for this journey. I can also say that our lives are forever changed. I don't sweat the small stuff nearly as much as I used to. I was reminded to count my blessings over and over and over again. I went from a type A personality, to a simple type a. I learned to be prepared for the worst, but to pray for the best. And I learned that a serious diagnosis is life-changing, but not always for the worse.

Something Strange

Something strange has happened. It used to be that people expected me to be done having children. Lately, not only do they not expect me to be done, but I'm hearing more and more statements beginning with, "When you have the next one."

I do hope there will be a next one. We are leaving that decision to Someone who knows better than we do, but we do hope to be blessed again. And it's nice to know that it won't be met with the kind of negative response we have received a few times. I'm not sure if they've finally come around to see that children are a blessing or if they have just given up on us ever being reasoned with, but I'm happy just the same.

And for the record, for the dozens of you who have asked... we aren't pregnant now. But if and when we are blessed again, we hope you will rejoice as much as we will!

I Believe in Prayer

I believe in prayer. I have to. I've seen so many things happen that just shouldn't when people were praying. This week was just one example.

For those of you who don't know, our third child, who is almost five-years-old, has two relatively rare medical conditions. He had brain surgery to help with the first one, a Chiari Malformation Type I, in June 2006. In February 2007 he was diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri, a condition in which there is too much pressure in the brain caused by a build up of cerebrospinal fluid. His body wasn't reabsorbing the fluid they way it was supposed to, so he had a shunt placed. He had a revision in March and needed another one this last week. Yes, you counted right, that's four surgeries in under a year and three in just over three months.

We had some specific prayer requests relating to the reason he needed the surgery this week, so we asked our friends and family to pray. We gave them two very specific requests and both were answered. One of them was that, despite the fact that the neurosurgeon saw the beginning signs of eye damage, the opthamologist saw no sign of the damage. And it wasn't just because it was reversed when the pressure was relieved. The opthamologist told us that in children there are signs if there has ever been damage and he had none. What a testament to the power of prayer.

So, with this in mind, I have a challenge for you. If you believe in prayer, pray. When someone asks you to pray for them, do it. Right then. If possible, pray with them. If not, pray at that moment. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or particularly eloquent. It just has to be done. For those off you who do pray, let me say, as one who has felt the effects of it, thank you!

People Are Watching Me!

People are watching me! I've been telling my mom and my husband this for years, but they told me it was all in my head. Now, before you write me off as being paranoid or some conspiracy theorist, I should tell you that they both later realized that I do not suffer from paranoia!

My mom's realization came when the children and I went to Costco with her one day. It was before baby #6 made her arrival, so I was waddling along behind her and the other five children. It was fun watching people turn to stare and whisper to each other. I don't usually see that, but I can feel it and hear the whispers. And at the end of our trip I asked her if she still believed people don't watch me. She had to admit they do!

My husband has moments of realization. But they are fleeting in their impact on him. And when the realization wears off, he goes back to questioning why I fuss at the children's appearance when we leave the house. He'll mistakenly claim that no one is watching, but I know they are and I wait for him to realize it again. It happened today.

We ran into a young couple with a two-year-old and a baby on the way. Their daughter was fascinated with our children. And so were the parents! We weren't particularly engaged in conversation with thrm, though we did exchange a moment or two of small talk while their daughter checked out our children. So I wasn't totally surprised that they said goodbye as they were leaving, but I was surprised that it was followed by, "Thanks for the entertainment." (Another new comment for me, after I thought I had heard it all!)

Now, our children were being very good. They aren't always, but they were today - even by my standards - so I know it wasn't because they were acting up. Apparently just the fact that there are six of them is entertaining enough. When I stop to think about it, I guess probably someone is always doing something. Perhaps the baby is talking, or the toddler is paying peek-a-boo, or the older children have engaged each other in some game of imaginary play. Although I suppose even if they just were, six children in one family is such an oddity that we do attract attention.

Once we were out of earshot, my husband uttered those four little words I long to hear, the ones that confirm my sanity (or make him a conspiracy theorist) and validate my beliefs. "People are watching us."

I Love You Forever

I'm a bit of a reading junkie. I love to read. Online news stories, magazines, books - you name it, I'll read it. I devour reading material the way some people devour chocolate. Okay, well, I devour chocolate, too, but you get the idea!

When we started this homeschooling adventure, the first thing I looked forward to was my children learning to read. I didn't want them to merely learn to read, I wanted them to learn to LOVE to read. So far I have one who is a fluent reader and he does LOVE to read. Two more should be reading fluently very soon, but no matter what level of reading they are at, they all love books, even down to the toddler!

Because of their love of books, and the fact that toddlers sometimes get a hold of books and sometimes bad things happen to those books, we go through a lot of books. Garage sale season just started here and I'll admit that I can't pass up a garage sale with a bin of books priced dirt cheap. I just can't - it may be an addiction. Is there a support group for such things?

In our latest batch of garage sale books, one title jumped out at me. I Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. It reminded me of a book by Max Lucado called Just In Case You Ever Wonder that I haven't personally read, but have wanted to because of it's message of love. So, of course I bought I Love You Forever (and a bunch of others).

After going through the children's choices, we finally got to I Love You Forever . It's the story of a mother and her son. It begins with her rocking her newborn and professing her love to her child, "I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Aw, sweet.

Of course, the book doesn't end there. It continues by telling us about the trials of toddler-hood, but at the end of the day she sneaks into her two-year-old's room, CRAWLS ACROSS THE FLOOR, picks him up, rocks him, and sings the little song to him. Okay, a little less believable (after all, who chances waking a toddler?), but still sweet. However, when she continued this pattern of listing her trials with her nine-year-old and then teenager and still crawls across the room to pick him up and rock him, I'm a little dubious, but I understand the sentiment.

My understanding vanished, however, when her boy became a man and moved across town. This creepy mother DROVE across town (and it implies that this happens more than once), climbed in the window, crawled across the floor, picked up her son and rocked him while singing her little song. I'm sorry, but I was simultaneously rolling in laughter and feeling very creeped out. Despite they fact that in real life this would have ended with a personal protection order, the book concludes, predictably, coming full circle and then continuing with the son singing to his baby daughter.

Overall the book has a great sentiment. What mother doesn't love her child through the trials of parenting? Even the little song is sweet. And because of this book, I feel compelled to make a promise. I will always let my children know how much I love them. I'll make phone calls, send e-mail, perhaps even sing some silly sweet songs. But I promise to never sneak in bedroom windows to express my love.

My Children Are Teaching Me

As a homeschooling mom, I'm used to being the teacher. I'm used to being the one to mold young minds and expose them to new concepts and to the world, but I am finding that they are teaching me, too.

We recently moved from the suburbs to a more rural location - complete with a pond (read: swamp) in the front yard and a state recreation area in the back. My husband often accuses me of being a city girl. I'll admit that I've been known to scream at the sight of snakes, mice, spiders, and other creatures. It would be fair to say that I wasn't a nature fan. I didn't mind studying it in books, but as far as being up close and person with it, I wasn't really a fan.

But something happens when you take six energetic children and set them in the midst of wildlife. (Okay, well not so much the baby, but you know what I mean.) They get this overwhelming urge to touch, explore, catch, examine, and bring all sorts of living nature "thisclose" to Mommy's face and desperately seek my praise on their newest capture. And it helps if Mommy doesn't run away shrieking. So, I gather up all the courage I can muster and I look at the snakes and frogs and salamanders and whatever other critters they happen to present at an extremely uncomfortably close range. Together we identify the species. And they teach me. They teach me the joy of exploration and the thrill of discovering another new species of frog in our own front yard.

My children have taught me that LIFE is a learning experience. We still love books and looking things up, but learning through experience is something altogether different. After all, reading about a gray tree frog changing colors is one thing, but seeing it happen millimeters from your face, well, that's real teaching.

Are They All Yours?

If I leave the house with all the children, which is pretty often, the question is pretty much inevitable. "Are they all yours?"

Yes. They're all mine. No, none of them are twins (or triplets, or quads, or quints. And yes, I have been asked all of those things). Often this is followed by a request for names and ages. By now they have a routine down. The oldest four introduce themselves and I introduce the babies. It works.

I've gotten so used to the question and the comments that I really thought nothing could shock me. And trust me, I've heard some pretty shocking things (more on that another time), but tonight I was shocked.

We were enjoying a rare night out to eat as a family. It was errand day and it ran longer than we planned. But never fear, 99 cent kids meals at Applebee's to the rescue!!! (Disclaimer: Not at all Applebee's!) Plus hubby had a 30% discount to use, so for the cost of a meal at McDonald's, we were enjoying a nice sit down meal. Ahhh, bliss!

And then it happened.

"Are they all yours?" It was asked in such an exuberant voice that my first inclination was to assume that someone I knew was behind me teasing me because they know how often we get asked this. When I turned, however, it wasn't anyone I knew. Instead I was face to face with a grandma-ish woman with the huge smile on her face.

She proceeded to gush over my children, which, I must admit, I always enjoy. She heaped praise on them for behaving so nicely (and they were being very good). She commented on how much the boys look like Daddy and how happy the baby was. By now the children were beaming with pride, as were hubby and I. Of course, she then inquired to names and ages. So far things were going splendidly.

Just when I thought I'd heard it all about my family, she shocked me. She said, "God Bless You!", which we actually have heard before, and is always nice, but before I had time to respond, she leaned over and kissed me. It only took a moment for me to recover enough to tell her that it appeared He already had, though it took a little bit longer for me to recover fully from the shock.

But really, even though I'm not used to being kissed by strangers, it was nice to see her obvious joy at our family. So hubby and I just looked at each other and smiled and continued our meal. And when they next few people came by to comment on our family, I watched a little closer to see if there would be any more surprise kisses.

Hi!!!

Hi, everyone! I'm looking forward to getting to know you all! And so you can get to know me, I will start with a little about myself.

I suppose if you have read my profile you already know a lot about me. The next thing people usually ask is either, "Are you crazy?" or "HOW do you do it?" So, I'll spare you the time and answer both now.

Am I crazy? Well, probably a little. But not because of the children. I was probably crazy long before. I think most everyone is some degree of insane, don't you? I probably wouldn't qualify for a padded room or a stay at the sate mental institution, but there are times even that is debatable! Seriously, for the most part, I'm pretty sane. Really.

So how do I do it? My first answer is that I have to rely on God's strength. On a practical note, I remind people that I didn't suddenly wake up one day and have six children. They came one at a time, so I have had time to adjust to each one. When I only had one or two (or for that matter three or four or five!), I couldn't imagine that I'd ever successfully manage six children. Recently my children have spontaneously (and certainly with no coaching from me!) begun praying for twins "next time". I'm not aware of a next time yet, but if there is a next time, and it does involve more than one, I can promise I will be just as anxious as any other mother!

I'll warn you in advance that most of my blog entries will be done with an infant, toddler, or possibly even an older child on my lap. I tend to have a lot of typos. And I'd really like you to think it's because I was holding one of the children, but the truth is, I'm pretty good at typos all on my own.

TTYS,

~Dawn~

Mood: Productive