Breaking Through the Three "R"oadblocks to Success

As I was enjoying a relaxing evening in the Jacuzzi I began to ask myself, "what are the three things that have kept me trapped, or stuck, when success was right in front of me?" The answer that came to me is the three "R's" that keep us all from being our very best: Resentment, Regret and Resistance.

Think about it. When we are suffering from resentment we begin to feel frustration, anger, contempt, bitterness and even hatred. When we are suffering from regret we often times experience self-doubt and low self-esteem. Resistance can dig its claws into us in ways we may not even recognize. We resist love, we resist success because we are afraid to fail and many times we are actually afraid to succeed based on past negative programming or conditioning. We resist change and tolerance and acceptance. All are major roadblocks to success, self-love and discovering personal inner bliss.

This month take a moment to write down your three "R's": all that you regret, resist, resent. Take that and make another that lists the opposite of resist, resent, and regret next to each item, person, or action on your first list. "I resent my mother for..." will look like, "I accept my mother for..." Throw the first list away and focus on the second for the entire month.

Start each day with these three questions: Who am I? What is my purpose? What can I do today to make a positive difference in the world? So many of us made past decisions we regret, have resentments towards others or resist change and love and happiness because we made all of our decisions in the past without ever asking these questions. We chose partners, jobs and more when we were totally unaware, un-awake. When the choices we make each day are derived from a place of awakening and inner bliss, all areas of your life will begin to reflect it.

The simple truth is that you can begin this simple process and tune in to the personal inner bliss that will begin to blossom inside of you, choose to get your "shine" on and share it with the world. We are all waiting to celebrate with you.

Michelle's Breaking Through the Three "R"oadblocks To Success is now a dynamic keynote, workshop and seminar topic. To hire Michelle visit her website at www.michelle-renee.com

Sunday Morning Sparrows

I'm sitting outside my favorite small coffee house on coast hwy 101.  It is 11 am.  I woke up inspired this morning and knew I needed to get my fingers to the keyboard on my laptop so I chose to sit and drink my tea in a shady spot on the grass.  As I was sitting there I noticed a mother sparrow and her three growing chicks bouncing and chirping all around me.  The chicks had grown big enough to be able to fly on their own.  But it was obvious they were just embarking on the discovery of how to get their own food. 
 
As the mama bird hopped around on the grass looking for food, finding it, and eating it for herself, her young ones would simply get as close as they could to her and open their little beaks and let out cry as though they were still in the nest.  The mama bird kept right on showing them how to recognize a good morsel and pounce as quickly as possible.  I looked around and noticed the competition at an outdoor café is fierce among birds.  What a great place to get the chicks up to speed quick I thought.  Soon two of the chicks got it.  They began picking up morsels of food from the ground.  But one was still hanging on to the "nest" and following mama around with its beak open for handouts.  She didn’t budge and before too long, the third one began pecking at the ground.  And when a raven came along, the mama bird quickly took her chicks to an area away from the large black bird. 
 
As I watched I realized that this wonderful display of teaching, or parenting, was not so different from parenting our children.  We do take care of them when they are in the nest, but in stages.  First we do everything for them as they begin to develop wings.  Than we show them how to use their wings and before they fly away from the nest, we show them how to feed and take care of themselves and how to keep away from potential danger. 

It seems so simple and yet, as parents we don’t always know how to use our own wings. The lessons keep coming for us too and when our wings become injured, it is important for us to show our children that sometimes we must trust God and those around us that we love to help tend to our broken wings until we can once again...fly. 
 
And when we are again ready to get back out into the world, soaring on the wind of possibility, it is our responsibility to teach our kids that taking flight means discovering that your wings become stronger each time you use them and can take you anywhere you want to go. 

"A New Earth" For Our Kids

I have been reading A New Earth in the evening as I snuggle up with my 14 year old daughter to close out our busy day. In chapter 2 we read about the importance of not looking at others and labeling them. She asked few questions and I wasn't sure how much she actually took in.

A few days later we were at a community meet-up to discuss A New earth. When a woman who isn't physically or at first glance kind of attractive stood to speak, my daughter gave me a look that I knew was attached to a label. I remined her of our chat about chapter two and asked her to see the woman as spirit, not just a physical person. A few minutes later she looked at me and said, "Mom, she is glowing and so cute."

In that moment, I guess it was my daughter's Aha Moment, she saw this amazing woman, her bright light and positive personality, as beautiful and glowing. For me, this process has been such a gift as a woman but more so as a mother. I believe that taking the time and doing the transformational work that so needs to be done with and for our children is an incredible blessing and a pivitol step towards changing youth society in such a powerful, positive way.

My Aha "Mango" Moment

I recently spoke at the Woman's Journey to Wholeness Retreat in Santa Barbara. People always ask if I prepare for speaking engagements or topics and I suppose I do if you consider the incredible drive from San Diego to Santa Barbara preparation.

I called my friend Sally and described to her my road trip, surrounded by the ocean and new life breaking ground where the fires had devastated the earth, and told her I wanted to hop out of my car and take a bite out of the scenery. That statement reminded me of my aha "mango" moment just a few weeks before.

In my book, Held Hostage, I discuss candidly the violent kidnapping of my daughter and me seven years ago: a crime that forced me to face a childhood filled with pain and abuse, my teen run-a-way life, the criminal trial and our journey out of the dark aftermath of violence. 

I have been on the path of purpose, awakening, and a spiritual uncovering that has allowed me to fall in love with life, God and finally discover self-love for the first time and developed, out of the ashes of tragedy, an insatiable appetite for enjoying life in the most delicious way!

I was in my kitchen eating one of my favorite fruits, a mango. It was gorgeous...the color, the scent, the sweetness. But it was also messy. It was dripping down my fingers, my chin and onto the counter. I know, a neatly sliced mango is probably the proper way to go. But I I just had to take a bite right into it, my teeth sinking into the center of it as though I picked it myself. In that moment I realized that to me, life is like a mango: sweet, delicious, sexy, and sometimes messy, but so worth biting right into and getting all over you!

When I shared this with the participants at the retreat and told them my story, my journey and how now I embrace my MANGOliciousness, the response was humbling to say the least.

I didn't prepare what I was going to say, the Universe did. So, here's to taking a bite out of life and getting it all over you and letting our kids' know it is okay to discover peace, joy and laughter once again when coming out of the darkness of violent crimes aftermath!

Texting & Online Activities: Are Your Kids Duping You?

If you have never checked your kid’s cell phone messages, history or voicemail, or internet history, you should. In this technologically advanced time, kids are catching on to the tricks and clicks that erase their communication tracks.

It's Not Just About Lunch Money Anymore

When I was in school bully's were the mean kids on the blacktop. The ones waiting after school to beat up on another kid that was usually no match for their size and strength. But there was at least a "safe zone" from school bullies: Home. Today, running home and shutting out the bullying happening at school isn't an option because bullies are popping up on the internet faster than ever.

Last year my daughter experienced a bit of cyber bullying when a kid posted a bulliten online that asked all the kids in her school that viewed it to make her life "hell" and call her names when she was at school. Even when I moved her to a new school, he posted another bulliten for the kids at her new school to see asking them to do the same thing to her. Soon, we discovered her so-called friends got in on it with him and were plotting to completely embarrass her during her first week at the new school. We cut and pasted the "online conversation" we discovered between the two girls plotting against her and took it to the school principal.

The plan was aborted and the girls apologized profusely. I think they all learned and valuable lesson but it was devastating for us both. But when I asked her yesterday what she would consider cyber bullying, first she corrected me and said "no one my age says cyber, mom" and than stated she didn't know. I reminded her of last years events and told her that would be a perfect example of "Internet" bullying.

Thousands of students every year embark on yet another scholastic roller coaster. There are many, however, who look upon the beginning of school with trepidation. They are the new kids, the shy kids, the kids who would rather be anyplace else but in school. Why? The reasons take on a myriad of variations, many are the kids who, as a result of embarrassment, shame, or fear, have either been, or fear that they will be harmed by their peers, or worse yet, opt to be by themselves because they believe they are alone and "the problem" is to big for them or anyone to handle. I'm talking about traditional school bullying. This crime happens under the roofs in what appears to be happy families. There's a ground swell of it within schools across this country. It's called "Cyber Bullying", or as my daughter called it, Internet Bullying.

Cyber bullying takes what used to be schoolyard insults, pushing, and shoving to a whole new, expansive, and very dangerous level. The cyber bully uses email, chat rooms, instant messaging, cell phones and text messaging to insult, demean, threaten, humiliate, harass, deceive, impersonate, and in many cases, posts lewd or embarrassing photographs online of their peer - while hiding behind a veil of anonymity that the Internet provides. On the middle school level, typical insults include comments like "U R ugly, U R fat, U R a liar, Nobody likes you, or make so and so's life hell at school tomorrow", however when kids reach 13, the comments are often sexual in nature, include profanity and detail true or untrue reports of promiscuity.

Unlike the schoolyard bully, these attacks aren't by some scary kid wanting to push his weight around. They can be by anyone or no one that the child knows. Tragically, it's sometimes by someone that the child thought was a friend. And unlike the schoolyard bully, a cyber bully can be comprised of one or many kids and by the time the posting hits the Net, literally thousands, if not millions of people have seen it, if it's been shared around the world. And unlike the schoolyard bully, the cyber bully hits their victim in the sanctity of their own home or bedroom - where they feel that they can't escape.

Greg Writer, CEO of CEN, Children's Educational Network www.childrenseducationalnetwork.com) , and a father of five, notes: "Often, kids are afraid to tell their parents for fear that their computer will be taken away or that their parents will make the situation worse. What they don't realize is that unless the bullying stops immediately, it can escalate and leave permanent psychological scars. That's one of the reasons CEN provides FREE Internet safety and education (http://www.KidSafe.com) with our Parental Control browsers (http://www.TUKI.com). Kids need to know how to navigate safely within this environment, so they'll know how to prevent and protect themselves from these situations. Additionally, we make it very clear to kids who might want to engage in this type of activity, that there are severe personal consequences to their behavior. For example, we want them to consider "before" they make poor choices that whatever is posted on the Net is there forever, and as much as they may regret later that they did this to someone, the damage is done and irreversible."

Experts in the field state that victims of these crimes suffer psychological trauma requiring professional help, many, like my daughter, have had to move to other schools, their mental state has resulted in their grades dropping; many are afraid to form close relationships with new people; and in more severe cases, suicide or murder has resulted. These are not just childhood pranks. These are serious crimes, and several states are enacting laws, such as Florida, making these emails felonies. In Pennsylvania, cyber bullying, harassment and stalking carry stiff jail sentences and fines for those convicted.

Cyber bullies need to realize that they may be able to hide from their victims behind screen names, but they cannot hide from law enforcement. Mark Franek, Dean of Students at the William Penn Charter School in Philadelphia, explained the process very well: "Each time the Internet is accessed, an IP (Internet Protocol) address is established. The 12 numerals punctuated by the 3 periods is the electronic fingerprint that can be accessed by the authorities to trace all electronic communications between computers and/or mobile phones. No computer or mobile phone - or its user - is really anonymous in cyberspace."

The Internet and cell phones have become, in large part, the fabric of the social lives of tweens and teens. As such, they are prime targets for this kind of attack. The first thing kids need to understand about Instant Messaging, and blogs (web logs) or live journals, is that the more personal information you give someone (sports they participate in, what school they go to or city they live in, wearing school mascot clothing in pictures, etc.) the more it can be used against you by not only those whom you wanted to read it, but by others whom you didn't. Whenever you type something online and press "send", you have just given up your privacy. Additionally, people online will pose to be people they aren't for purposes of deception and in many cases, to commit crimes - often stealing someone's identity in the process.

Parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers...talk to kids about cyber bullying. Give them these helpful tips: Know that there are ALWAYS people available to help you that will make cyber bullies stop. These people are law enforcement; your school teacher, school counselor, principal; your parents or a nurturing, responsible adult; Cyber crime reporting sites such as: www.cybertipline.org, www.wiredsafety.net, and safety@worldkids.net.

Don't give out any personal information such as your name, your school's name or the name of any of the sports teams in which you play, your home telephone or cellular phone number, your address-- including the city where your other parent lives if they are divorced, your parent's office address, or the address of your school. Don't ever use your real name as your user or screen name. If you find that you are a victim of cyber bullying: Do not respond to the harassers directly because that is exactly what they want. Don't give them the pleasure of knowing that you're upset by it -- Stay cool. Save and print out all messages - Do not erase any emails. Report this crime to the police. If possible, report it as it is happening and remember, you are in control of your online experience. It is unacceptable for you to be verbally abused or threatened in person or online.

It's an unsettling thought for any parent to think that their child may be a victim of a Cyber Bully, or be one. As difficult as it may be to consider, parents and teachers alike need to talk about this subject at home and in the classroom. We need to raise awareness of this issue and be pro-active. At present, lawmakers are drafting laws to prevent and prosecute the perpetrators of these crimes. Education, vigilance, and strict laws are key in disarming bullies.

Thank you to Children's Educational Network. Please visit Club TUKI to learn more about the safe, entertaining and educational features that they offer consumers.

I’m Not Fat Because I Don’t Know What Not To Eat!

I’m Not Fat Because I Don’t Know What Not To Eat!
The Connection Between Obesity and Violent Trauma

So, is there a link between violent trauma and obesity? I believe, from personal experience and from my own information hound findings, the answer is a resounding yes. First, let’s look at what’s going on in our country as related to crime statistics.

Approximately 31 million crimes are reported in the United States annually. That's an average of about one crime per second. Let’s do the math. In the next 60 minutes, somewhere in the United States, there will be approximately: 900 Thefts; 189 Violent Crimes; 124 Assaults; 66 Robberies; 24 Sexual Assaults; 12 Rapes; 2 Murders.

If that isn’t enough, let’s look a little closer:

• Approximately 389,000 women are victimized by an intimate partner annually.
• Victims 12 or older experience approximately 191,000 incidents of rape and sexual assault annually.
• More than one million women are stalked annually in the United States.
• Teens ages 12 to 19 and young adults ages 20 to 24 experience the highest rates of violent crime.
• Teenagers (ages 12 to 19) experience approximately 73,500 sexual assaults and rapes annually.
• Approximately 92% of rape or sexual assault victims are female.
• Almost a third (30.1%) of all sexual assaults occur at or in a victim's home.
• One study found that women who have experienced any type of personal violence (even when the last episode was 14 to 30 years ago) reported a greater number of chronic physical symptoms than those who have not been abused. The risk of suffering from six or more chronic physical symptoms, including obesity, increased with the number of forms of violence experienced.
• Approximately 1 in 5 high school girls report being abused by a boyfriend.

After experiencing a violent victimization myself that included being stalked for 8 weeks, kidnapped and held hostage at gunpoint, forced to rob a bank and a threat to the lives of my daughter and me, I rapidly began to gain weight. It’s been seven years since that night of terror and I recently began to regain control over the overeating part of my life. Hiding out under my fat clothes is simply not an option anymore. Why let them rob me of my self-esteem and vivacious spirit too is the question I asked myself when I had a big ah-ha moment in the mirror 6 weeks ago. I also began to ask myself “how many women in the world are obese because of violent trauma, abuse or sexual assault? I began my little investigation and the numbers I came across are staggering.

I heard that Queen Latifa appeared on Good Morning America and I thought it was great that she is now publicly addressing the health issues related to being overweight. But it reminded me of my own goal to speak out on an issue related to being overweight: publicly addressing the enormous population of men, women and children who gain weight and develop an unhealthy relationship with food due to the “mental health” issues related to violence, abuse and trauma.

After my weigh-in today (lost another 3.4 lbs!) and a one hour nature walk, I read an article about Dr. Vincent Felitti and the ACE Study. It said he was mystified by why 55 percent of the 1,500 people who enrolled in his weight-loss clinic every year left before completing the program. He was especially confused after finding almost all of the dropouts had been losing, not gaining, weight. It didn't make sense. Why were people who were dropping pounds dropping out?

I can tell you exactly why. I call it the inability to get beyond a compliment and wrote about it in my last blog, Bye-Bye Under The Radar, before stumbling upon this article. Felitti's curiosity turned into a 20-year quest involving researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and more than 17,000 members of Kaiser Permanente. Their inquiry uncovered startling new discoveries about why many people become obese. And the results clearly show that, for millions of severely overweight people in the United States, the solutions proposed to fix obesity - better food labels, more nutritious school lunches, more exercise and education - simply won't work. Why? Because for a significant percentage, the public health problem goes beyond obesity; it is linked to violence, abuse and trauma.

He remembered one woman who had been raped when she was 23. In the year after the attack, she gained 105 pounds. During his interview with her, she looks down at the carpet, and mutters, “Overweight is overlooked, and that's the way I need to be." Felitti says he began to realize that obese people didn't see their fat as a problem. For many, it was a solution.

I can relate.

It appears that more than five million obese and morbidly obese people are likely to have suffered physical, sexual and/or verbal abuse. It is likely that some type of trauma marks the starting point of the path to obesity and although nutrition is a nice subject, in many cases it has nothing to do with obesity. Not all people get fat because they don't know what foods to eat or not eat.

In order for those suffering with the heartbreaking aftermath of violence, abuse and trauma, and the resulting weight gain, to change their behavior, the medical, media and weight management community must begin to address the deeper issues and embrace those needing their help. It is my hope and desire to become a national spokesperson, to use my voice and story, to reach this population and inspire them to be a hostage no more to their pain, past, self-doubt, fear, un-forgiveness, and anger. The day I address this very important issue publicly for millions of people to hear will be one of the most blessed days of my life. When this will happen, I don’t know as of yet. But with dedication, heart, and perseverance, I see it coming together in my future.

Today, after a life of childhood abuse and adult violent trauma, I can honestly say I know what I, and my daughter, deserve and for me it is nothing but the best life has to offer. The best, for me, is not 186 lbs of self- loathing, french-fry inhaling, dateless and unable to ski with my snowboarding daughter. No. The best life has to offer is 125 lbs of spunky momness with the ability to get out, explore the world with my daughter, and laugh and dance and fall crazy in love with life again, mingle with successful single men (AKA go on a date already!) and get ridiculously giddy and sentimental with God about it all. I seek to cultivate transformation within others like me to do the same!

So, here’s to wellness, self-love and re-programming our self- talk, banishing the negative chatter from the past and from others forever! Start anew and know that you are worth being in control of your eating and being fabulicious!

The above statistical information is presented from the 2007 National Crime Victims' Rights Week Resource Guide compiled from the US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs and Office for Victims of Crime. Article on Dr. Felitte by Jane Ellen Stevens for Sa. Bee, Targeting Obesity at its Roots.

Bye Bye Under The Radar!

I can’t even begin to count how many times I have gone on a diet or some extreme weight loss program in the past seven years.  I would do great for a while, lose a few pounds and start getting compliments on how great I was looking.  Just when I thought I was going to kick my bad food habit and continue on the path to my goal, I would end up in bed at midnight with a bowl of coco puffs.

I started Jenny Craig one month ago and knew from the start this wasn’t a diet.  I also knew I needed to do the work in order for this lifestyle change to work.  That meant I had to be honest with myself and with my coach.  That meant I had to, for the first time, pay attention to my eating triggers and deal with the real reason why I never allowed myself to get beyond a compliment. 

Growing up was tough.  In my house if you were noticed it usually meant you were being emotionally torn apart and often physically abused.  Flying under the radar was always a good thing.  Food was not often plentiful and when it was the boxes of sugar coated cereal were stacked, the donuts and ding dongs were piled up, countless boxes of macaroni and cheese and packages of hotdogs and the meals for dinner were huge portions of meats and pastas and potatoes.  But we knew that soon enough the food would dwindle to nearly nothing between paydays with seven little mouths to feed and those of us who were scrappy enough were sure to get more than our fair share with extra helpings and hide what we could for the slim pickin days to come. My relationship with food was off to a very rocky start.  .

The kidnapping seven years ago intensified my poor eating habits and brought my desire to fly under the radar to a whole new level.  They had noticed me at the bank.  They had stalked me for two months.  They had come into my home and terrorized my daughter and me and spoke very explicitly about their fantasies.  In my mind I went back to my childhood and wanted so much to be that invisible girl.  I wanted so much to never have been noticed and dealt with the guilt of my daughter being brutalized because of me, my job at the bank and the home on the hill I had chosen for us to live in out in rural north east Vista. 

I was a complete wreck for 3 years following this ordeal.  But I have not only pulled myself up by those scrappy survival mode boot straps, I have fallen in love with life again, discovered my purpose and have found better than ever in almost every way.  The last piece to this complex and yet beautiful puzzle of my new post trauma life is my relationship with food. 

Sitting in my Jenny Craig coaches office a few days ago was a huge turning point in my new life towards my breaking away from the under the radar thinking. For the first time in my life I made it through the holidays without gaining weight.  In fact I lost nearly 2 pounds and since starting the program I have lost nearly 8 inches of body fat.   But one of the greatest gift I received this holiday season was identifying an eating trigger, a thought process that I am now able to re-program.  I discovered that every time I would begin to lose weight and get a compliment, my mind would register that a, “Oh no.  Someone is noticing you.  This isn’t a good thing.  It has never been a good thing all your life.  Quick…run…hide…eat!”

When my coach was telling me how great I was doing, how proud she is of me my trigger began to tick like a time bomb.  I could literally feel it in my body.  But for the first time, while my coach was saying “You are going to do this Michelle.  You are even inspiring me.” I was paying attention to my feelings, my triggers with food and instead of running out of there and heading straight to the donut shop, I cried and laughed with her and my daughter, celebrated with a workout and a big glass of water when I got home and looked in the mirror and said, “Nice to finally meet you.”

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