Hi, you helped me by your response before, and now I'm back again!  So my son is almost 2 and still prefers is grandmother over me when she's around.  This time to the point of crying because he wants her to put him down and pushing me out of his room when he wakes up because I'm not her!  It is very hurtful, but I know he's just a child and I'm the adult.  I made a rule that is one mommy thing that I want to always do when she's around and it helps me feel like I am still in some sort of number one mom position.  I wish if I could just relax and let her do everything when she's around, but that just feels like it would be adding to the problem.  I'm afraid that if I ever went out of town and left him with her for a few days he wouldn't want to come home!  And yes, she was around a lot during his first year of life, but not all the time, they lived out of town, but probably every 2-3 weeks.  Should I just pick out what mommy things I'm in control of when we're together and let the rest be whatever?  Sorry to ask questions again, but it really stresses me out and I'm a pediatrician for crying out loud!  My husband is not really any help because he is always number 2 after me.  thanks so much again!

I'm sorry for responding so late, but I just got notice of this question.  Must be a computer blip!

I understand how difficult it is for you to play second fiddle to your mother over you child's attachment!  Let me start out by saying that you are the mother!  No one can usurp that position in your child's life!  I think one of the issues may be that you may try too hard to get the response you hope for from your son and he senses this.  It is very common for children to "reject" their absent parents initially when they reappear.  They are angry!  They want control! They don't trust!  These are all the fallout of the working parent, unfortunately.  And add to that a competent and loving care-giver in your absence (which, of course, is best for the child) and the territory is split!  I would ask myself how do I communicate my own needs to my child.....which may be hidden, like, guilt about being absent, a level of exhaustion that after working all day and therefore, unconcious rejection of the effort it takes to be there often results in a bittersweet need to be with your child, and feeling jealous that someone else has his affections!

These are all complex emotions that are expressed and received and the behavior generally tells the story of what is going on underneath.  They often cause emotional defenses on the part of the mother that undermines her "maternal" connection to her child.  The child senses this and then wants the caregiver who does not display such conflicts but rather the "pure" maternal, uncompl.... Read More