My five year old daughter is very smart and mature.  Her father and I split amicably before she was born and I moved 500 miles away.  Her whole life it has been just her and I.  I believe this has caused her to form a belief that we are equals, and that she can make her own decisions.  She is a good girl, most of the time.  However, when she has her bad moments, it is very bad.  She can be extremely defiant.  I try to tell her to do something and she ignores me as if I'm not even speaking.  When I finally get her to acknowledge me, she'll say No! to whatever I ask her to do.  I try to enforce it by getting down to her level, and keeping my voice even and low.  This doesn't work.  She simply folds her arms, turns her head and says, "hmmph!"  This usually causes me to get more upset, and the whole thing escalates into a huge screaming match followed by her telling me she hates me.  I know that my reactions to her behavior are just making things worse, but I am at the end of my rope, and I don't know what else to do.  I've tried time-out, or the "naughty chair".  She literally will not stay on it.  She will kick, hit, push and pull, and will not stay unless I'm literally holding her in a bear hug the entire time.  I've tried taking toys, games, and things away.  She doesn't seem to notice or be bothered by it.  I've tried grounding her from her friends.  This doesn't phase her either.  I've spanked, but all that merits is an increase in her resentment toward me, as well as making me feel guilty.  Oh, I've also tried simply talking to her calmly.  While this helps us avoid the big blowout, it nets no results for the future.  The behavior does not change.  Don't get me wrong, she is not constantly defiant.  It is about once a week that we have a big argument.  I love my daughter, and I just want to raise a kind and respectful person.  Any ideas?

It's not so much that she doesn't respect you, but that she has learned that consequences are not dealt with evenly and that if she balks enough she will get her way.  I think you said it all when you say that its only the two of you.  Somehow she knows that you need her as much as she needs you and this causes anxiety and distress for her.  It upsets her sense of security and trust in her parent's ability .... Read More

Sorry, dear, as frustrating as young children are, "kicking his butt" doesn't solve the problem!  Patience and love and firm but loving rules do the job bet.... Read More